A Weekend of Goodbyes

Man, this past weekend was freakin’ hard. For some reason I feel more emotional now than I was before. I continue to think about Shane all day every day and miss him so damn much. And every single day I long for him, sometimes so much so that I feel sick and push myself into a panic attack and can’t breathe. I miss his texts during my workday. I miss that laugh and his beautiful smile and eyes. I miss his hugs, his smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. Everybody tells me I’m strong, but nobody sees that once I’m by myself and don’t have my game face on anymore, I cry uncontrollably. I think about all the future experiences we won’t have together, that we were supposed to have together. Anyone who has ever lost a true soulmate knows this pain, the feeling that a part of you is gone. It’s almost unbearable.

 

The weekend was a double whammy of sorts. On Saturday evening, Shane’s close uncle and aunt, dear friends and I went to Lake Norman to scatter some of his ashes, as he wished for. It was emotional for all of us, to say the least. But it was also really beautiful to set him into the wind overlooking the lake. The sun was setting and it had been a gorgeous day, so there was a serenity that we took in knowing his spirit was there.

 

Afterwards, we celebrated him. I put together a life celebration for Shane that I had been planning for about a month. It came together really well; in fact, I don’t think it could have gone any better. We celebrated his life at Bayne Brewery in Cornelius, which our friend and brewery owner, Chris, helped me out with. About 40 people were there, including old friends, new friends, family members and some who didn’t even know him, but still came out to celebrate in support. We had a slideshow of pictures, a playlist of all his favorite music, beautiful flowers, a big taco bar (his favorite), and lots of beer (also his favorite).

 

Toward the end of the night, his uncle, close friend and I all spoke about Shane. It wasn’t easy for any of us to do, but what we all had to say about him was appreciated by the crowd, and hopefully let everyone see a side of Shane that they remembered fondly, or maybe didn’t even know about. The tears flowed freely that night. More than once I found myself looking around the room and feeling so grateful that so many showed up to celebrate him. I asked him to come celebrate with us that night, and I think he did.

 

Everyone was able to leave with parting gifts as well. I had custom seed packets made by Sow True Seed in Asheville with a poem he wrote imprinted on them, as well as a design from one of his favorite band’s albums (which he also planned to get tattooed on himself at some point). I picked a Monarch butterfly seed mix, as butterflies are symbolic of life after death. An unexpected gift came in the form of a drawing of him done by my good friend, Ben. Not only did he give me a framed original, but he made enough prints for everyone to take home that evening. It was a very generous surprise and he truly captured Shane’s essence in his beautiful rendition.

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Proof-I

 

The second part of the weekend was moving out of the house and into my new townhome in Plaza Midwood. While I’ve been looking forward to getting settled again and starting fresh in a new neighborhood, it was so much harder than I expected to leave the house we shared, even though it was just for a short time. I walked around the empty house, looking at the rooms we painted together after meticulously picking out paint colors. I lingered in the closet and bathroom, where we had done renovations to prepare for my moving in. I stood in the kitchen, remembering all the meals we cooked together and how we used to dance to the Frankie Valli station. On the way out, I plucked a rose off of the rose bush he loved and cared for. I also snapped a photo of the little tree he planted over a year ago, thinking it would grow larger and never did. We frequently laughed about this pathetic little tree.

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I’m officially moved into my new place, and it’s bittersweet, as I expected. I do love the place itself and I’ve hung up the art pieces we bought together on our travels, but he is missing from it and that’s going to take some time to get over. I know there’s no manual for how to deal with loss, and I have no choice but to deal with it at this point. But it sucks. It really fucking sucks. I don’t wish this on anyone. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times that I wanted to join him wherever he is, but I know my time and work here isn’t done yet. And now three cats need me, if nothing else than for treats and a chin scratch.

 

I remain grateful for the support of friends and family; I’ve realized this past weekend just how many people I love and who love me back. I’ll continue working to connect with him on the other side and live my life here, knowing that’s what he would want for all of us grieving his loss. He’s probably been hanging around this whole time, wondering why we’re all so upset and telling us to just lighten up already. That would be his way. I’ll be staying here on earth until it’s my time, but I really can’t wait to see him again ā¤

8 thoughts on “A Weekend of Goodbyes

  1. Elissa Robertson says:

    Hello Michelle~ There is not a single day that you and Matt, are not in my thoughts. I am so very certain that your celebration of his life , was exactly what he would have wanted. Sending you our love.

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  2. Kathy Graham says:

    Oh, Michelle! You are an inspiration in your sorrow and in your strength. Very few people could share your grief the way you have done since Shane died. It is truly an honor to get to know him through you. Hugs to you!
    Kathy Graham

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  3. courageousyogachick says:

    Thank you for courageously sharing about your journey – the ups and the downs. Judith Lasater says that crying is how we know we are really living. Thanks for all of your support this weekend, even amidst all you had going on. Love you šŸ’œ

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  4. Ted Avgerinos says:

    Hey Michelle
    Uncle Ted here. I was hoping to talk to you, but I understand how upside down your life has become. Hopefully we will talk soon.
    You are a beautiful person and you will find the strength to move on. Just take each day one day at a time and don’t look any further than the day you ate in. Soon one day will turn to two days, then three and so on. I am sure you and Shane will visit each other spiritually from time to time. I still feel that my father and my mother (you grandmother) in her own strange way visit me.
    The existential question we all have to ask ourselves is why are we here on this earth? Hopefully part of the answer is to leave this place a better place than we found it. I am very confident that you have the values and the strength to get past this setback in your life and do your part to continue to make the world just a little bit better.
    Love Ya
    Uncle Ted

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    • Michelle LoSardo says:

      Hi Uncle Ted, thank you. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA, I do promise to let you know when I have more time to talk though. I agree that we all have work to do here, and that is in the form of making this world better. My goal is to do that and reach a higher self in the process. Thank you for your continued support ā¤

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