I’ve had no inspiration to write for the past two weeks. Life has been busy, but more than that, I haven’t even wanted to write, which I feel guilty about. I haven’t had the motivation to cook or bake anything worthy of a blog post. I went to Asheville this past weekend and had plans to write something about that, but I just didn’t feel like taking pictures of everything I did and ate. I’ve had little ideas pop into my head, but the idea of sitting down to write about them has held no interest for me. It’s been a weird feeling, to say the least.
I frequently put pressure on myself to always be “on” and productive, especially because I have this blog and want to post frequently, but sometimes that pressure is just unreasonable. As a result, I become bored with my life and frantically find ways to fill it with anything. My thought process is that if I’m not doing something, then I must not be doing anything useful. I often realize how short life is and how much I want to make a difference in the world and do something meaningful before I die (hello, ego). I’ll come up with all of these exciting things I want to do, but once laziness sets in those ideas seem to just fly out the window. It’s really frustrating, because reality doesn’t always match the plan for my life that I formulate in my head.
I was having a particularly cranky day on Monday and sulking over this fact. My boyfriend, Shane, graciously let me complain to him. He said something that stuck with me and made quite a lot of sense:
You’ve been really busy lately, so maybe your mind just wants to go on neutral for a while.
Hmm, neutral. I struggle to know what that word means for me, because my brain usually only has two modes: on or off, energetic or unmotivated, excited or depressed. I never really considered what my brain actually wanted, I just assumed I made all the decisions for it. But maybe it is trying to tell me something. Maybe I have to learn how to just “be” and accept the neutral mentality when it happens. In other words, I need to simmer down and take a chill pill; appreciate my life for what it is at this moment and not think of it in terms of great or terrible; stop trying to control every freakin’ thing all the time. My life can just be described as fine; it doesn’t have to be fireworks all the time.
I don’t think I have much of a point to this post, other than to put my words and current feelings out there. I do hope to get back to some more exciting posts soon, but until then, this brain is just going to cruise in neutral…